Educating children and helping them to understand the differences between Secrets, Privacy, and Surprises, empowers the autonomy and agency of children and is essential to Safeguarding them.
Silence is the most effective component of grooming in Child Sexual Abuse. Offenders manipulate victims by using several effective methods of silencing them. By encouraging secrets with their victim, offenders establish a false sense of trust in their relationship, it tests a child's boundaries and willingness to keep any secret, makes a child feel special, and can be used by the offender at a later date to manipulate the child further.
Parallel to grooming their victims, are campaigns run by perpetrators and their enablers to erode the character of their victim while promoting their own. Achieving this benefits the control of narrative over any allegations that may be made, and the primary reason Victims of Sexual Violence are not believed and are reluctant to disclose, report, and speak out.
Another essential component of silencing victims includes psychological manipulation using threats and fear to maintain control of their victim. Effectively ensuring they remain silent.
Keeping secrets is a technique used to control child victims. Children are taught from an early age that secrets must never be broken, and that by doing so you lose the favour and trust of the other person involved making them unhappy.
The predatory nature of Child Sex Offenders success depends on the child's ability to keep their secret.
Parents and carers can assist in the Safeguarding of Children by helping them understand the differences between secrets, privacy, and surprises. They are very different terms with different outcomes. The way we frame them in our conversations can make all the difference in how children use and understand the differences.
Secrets
Secrets are often meant to be kept quiet for a long time and protect something that would make people feel unhappy, unsafe, or hurt.
We can talk about secrets in the context of “safe’ and ‘Unsafe’ secrets giving examples such as unwanted touch either their own body being made to touch someone else or being made to look at pictures or videos that make them feel uncomfortable.
Let children know that if someone tells them not to tell about a secret, then it’s an unsafe secret and must be shared with their trusted adults. Reassure them that it is okay to tell when it involves unsafe touch, or make them feel uncomfortable and you will always believe them.
Privacy
Privacy is about respecting a person’s personal space, boundaries, or information. It does not have an outcome of hurting or making the other person unsafe.
Helping children to understand privacy often comes up in terms of genitals and confidential family discussions. Exploring with them what is comfortable and permissible in your home and culture can give them context. This context can also be relevant to the private time they spend exploring their own body.
Privacy can also be discussed in terms of personal information that can be discussed between two people.
Surprises
Surprises are kept quiet temporarily and then shared with others for a happy or positive experience.
Surprises can be used to encourage accurate use for a special event, and celebrations like birthdays, and gifts. Consistent language like ‘We bought a gift for their birthday, but let’s not tell them about it until then” can reinforce the time-limited nature of a joyful surprise.
Encouraging safety around surprises can keep boundaries clear for unwanted, scary secrets.
Make a habit in your home to opt for privacy and surprises over secrets. When secrets happen be sure children understand if it is safe or unsafe. Remind them who are the trusted adults in their lives and that they can share information with you if they are asked to keep a secret.
Let children know that if they tell someone about unsafe secrets or touch and that person doesn't believe them, that they should keep telling other trusted adults until someone believes them.
By teaching children the differences between secrets, privacy, and surprises we can open conversations for them about unsafe behaviours and ensure that children can disclose any harm with clarity and understand the differences to ensure their safety.
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