Mothers are the embodiment of unconditional love, gentle comfort, and fierce protection. Or, so we are taught to believe. For those who have had the privilege of growing up with such an experience, it’s understandably incomprehensible that many children do not receive these natural, fundamental needs for growth, development, and survival.
**content warning: discusses the role of mothers in Child Sexual Abuse, including abandonment and betrayal trauma
Some mothers for a multitude of reasons do not have the capacity or desire for such a journey. To take that further still, dislike their child, and even have no emotional attachment at all.
As children, we feel this. We know it in the depths of our soul. It is not necessarily something that even needs to be said, although for too many it often is.
Regardless, humans have this inexplicable primal need for attachment to our mother, even when they reject, abandon, and abuse their child. Or are complicit in others abusing their children by denial, ignorance, inaction, appearances and actively silencing their child. In the extreme of cases, mothers have been known to assist in the abuse itself.
Not all families are safe.
Why does a mother choose a Child Sex Offender over their child?
Last week the world was shocked by the revelation from Andrea Robin Skinner that her mother, Nobel Peace Prize winner Alice Munro knew about the Sexual Abuse that her husband Gerald Fremlin, Andrea’s stepfather committed against her; and did nothing.
However, the millions of Victims and Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse around the world who silently hold within them a similar story, were not shocked. Along with the trauma as a result of being Sexually Abused, there is a deep betrayal trauma many carry silently that their mother not only knew but did nothing to keep them safe. Silent in disbelief and shame. Many Victims and Survivors cannot speak their truth and fear retribution from their Mother and, like Andrea have a long wait until after the death of that parent to be able to share their truth. Some are never given the opportunity.
Many, more are ostracised from the family unit for both disclosing the abuse and exposing the non-protective parent. Evidence-based research shows us that men are the largest group of perpetrators, and the largest group of perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse is within families. Logically that would mean the largest group of those complicit in sex crimes against children, is often, the child's mother. The Australian Child Maltreatment Study 2023 indicates that 28.5% of Australians have experienced Child Sexual Abuse. Every single one has a perpetrator. and almost as many have people actively silencing them and protecting the perpetrators.
Throughout actively enabling the Sexual Abuse of their child, The Complicit Mother maintains a very public image, not unlike the tactic of grooming that perpetrators use. To those outside the home, they are doting parents who participates in the child's interests, school, and friends. They can be well-liked, have professional careers, and even obtain Nobel Prizes. For the child, this is an extremely confusing emotional and psychological rollercoaster full of hope, disappointment, and fear that they do not yet have the capacity to understand. One where the child inevitably learns they do not matter and that becomes a core belief in their psyche.
When exposed The Complicit Mother can often view themselves as the victim or injured party. They feign innocence and ignorance and will do what it takes to absolve themselves of accountability, even blaming the child. Using language that holds the child culpable for unfathomable abuse they cannot consent to. Creating scenarios of affairs and relationships, blaming the child for what ‘they(the parent) have to endure”, maintaining they had nothing to do with it, telling others to stay out of it and that they want nothing to do with it". The Complicit Mother will expend countless amounts of energy maintaining their appearance and repairing their relationship with the perpetrator.
The very natural response of knowing that your mother ultimately cares more for other things whether it be appearances, money, or stature in society, than their child is extraordinarily damaging to the child. Children learn they do not matter, they cannot trust anyone, their self-esteem suffers, relationships collapse, and their core beliefs in themselves can become irrevocably changed.
For some, the actions of The Complicit Mother can cause far more trauma than the abuse.
Many Victims and Survivors of intra-familial and extra-familial Child Sexual Abuse -those that include family and friends, are forced to spend a lifetime with not only their abuser but those who failed them on the deepest level to protect them.
Some Victims and Survivors may choose when an adult to have no contact or limited contact with their parents as a result. This choice is not taken lightly nor is it impulsive, and it is often done over many years, many attempts, and with much heartbreak and another layer of trauma that must include grieving those alive, what is lost, and the realisation that they will never have what they so desperately need. Some Victims and Survivors find the strength to put their needs and safety above society's expectations. Only to be judged and gaslit with mantras of "family is everything or but she's your mother". Once again making a victim of the complicit mother. Others find the strength to endure.
As a society, we must do better to safeguard children. Complicit Mothers must be held accountable both morally and legally. We must change attitudes to enable a safe environment for those truly at harm to speak, be protected, and be safe. By hearing Victims and Survivors we create conversation and understanding of the complexities of Child Sexual Abuse. We break the stigma and shame, then we can begin to hold people complicit in actively abusing children or protecting abusers accountable. While we remain silent, we protect and enable the perpetrators who commit these heinous crimes.
I do not underestimate the courage it takes to take action on disclosures of Child Sexual Abuse, however, I know from experience what inaction does. Be courageous.
As a Victim and Survivor myself, I hold immense respect for Andrea in speaking her truth and beginning the conversation about the complicity of mothers in the Sexual Abuse of children. I hope it facilitates Andrea's immense healing, as the validation of her truth has begun to do for others.
Always Believe The Child
Solidarity.
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